The Search for POTUS's Plot
by FLuFFy
Summary: I wanted to see how many tv/movie references I could get into one story. Stupidity ensues, as always. :)


"The Search for POTUS's plot"  
By: FLuFFy  
Rating: PG13 for some naughty words. You've been warned, kiddies!  
  
NOTES: As always, this is nonsense. I wanted to see how many tv show and movie references I could get into one story. The total number is 30. That is, of course, not counting this introduction because there is no chance of finding a reference in here...or is there? Let the goofy begin...  
  
  
~~~~  
  
  
  
[INT. Big expensive room. 7:00 AM]  
  
  
  
CJ: Alright. It's time to brief you all for the day.  
  
SAM: [eyes gleaming in anticipation] Do I get the main plot? Do I? Huh? Huh?  
  
CJ: [giggles hysterically]  
  
SAM: Hey!  
  
CJ: Sorry, Sam. You get the C Plot with a woman who believes vampires are real.  
  
SAM: Oh, come on! I got some crap like that in "The Two Bartlets"!  
  
DONNA: I thought you dealt with that plot rather well. [gives sam a sexy wink]  
  
SAM: Why, thank you. I was going for kind of a...  
  
CJ: Silence! Respect my authority!   
  
LEO: You don't actually have...  
  
[CJ glares at him]  
  
  
[CJ hands everyone their plots]  
  
  
JOSH: Sex Plot! Yippeeeeee!  
  
DONNA: B Plot. Damn. At least it's better than Sam's.  
  
[Sam pouts]  
  
TOBY: Angry man spouting facts about the President's past that I shouldn't know. Alright!  
  
LEO: President's confidante. Sounds about right.  
  
CJ: New boyfriend who'll die soon. Yup.  
  
AMY: Shreiking biatch.  
  
CJ: Now onto the next assignment. Sam... Give Josh a dirty look.  
  
SAM: Now? Why?  
  
CJ: Because we have to leave the fans wondering if you two are still friends or not.  
  
SAM: Of course we're friends!  
  
JOSH: ...or possibly more.  
  
SAM: We're extremely close in an ambiguous way!!!  
  
CJ: I'm sorry, we need the glare.  
  
[Sam glares at Josh]  
  
[Josh glares at Sam]  
  
[Sam glares at Josh again]  
  
[Josh glares at Sam again]  
  
[Sam glares at Josh yet again]  
  
[Josh glares at Sam yet again]  
  
  
  
  
25 MINUTES LATER...  
  
  
[the POTUS enters, dejectedly]  
  
POTUS: Dear God...  
  
CJ: POTUS?  
  
[POTUS stares blankly]  
  
SAM: What's wrong?  
  
POTUS: My plot... It doesn't exist. It's blank!! [shows everyone the paper]  
  
  
  
  
[dramatic pause]  
  
  
LEO: Oh, dear God, what do we do now?  
  
CJ: Everybody calm down! It's probably just a misprint. Maybe you got Charlie's plot.  
  
CHARLIE: No, mine's got one line on it. [shows it proudly and disappears into thin air]  
  
CJ: Well, we better get started. I'm sure it'll show up.  
  
JOSH: [in between making out with Amy] Yeah...I'm ....ure... arou... here... omewhere.  
  
[everyone leaves and POTUS is alone]  
  
POTUS: (singing) Have you eeeeeeeever heard the wolf crrrrryyy to the blue corn moooooooon...or asked the grinning bobcat why he grrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnned?  
  
FLUFFY: Cut it out, Jed. There'll be plenty of references later.  
  
POTUS: Go away, I hate you! [smacks his behind tauntingly]  
  
FLUFFY: See?  
  
POTUS: Oh.  
  
  
  
[dramatic pause]  
  
  
  
[INT. Oval Office. 8:00 AM]  
  
  
LEO: Mr. President?  
  
[the POTUS's chair spins around to reveal...]  
  
JOSH: Yes, Leo?  
  
[Leo gasps, and, due to his old age drops dead.]  
  
JOSH: Mwaaaaahahahahaaaaaa! Soon I will be the only character on the show! Except maybe for Sam, cuz we've got that whole unresolved sexual tension thing...  
  
[CJ Runs in]  
  
CJ: He's dead! Noooooooooooo!  
  
JOSH: I didn't realize you two were that close.  
  
CJ: The script said he was to be my next boyfriend. They killed him BEFORE we got together?   
  
[CJ starts to cry]  
  
JOSH: Hey, CJ... How -you- doin'?  
  
  
["Lets get it on" begins to play]  
  
  
JOSH: Oh, yeah. I am a god!  
  
  
  
  
[cut to: Hallway. 20 minutes later. That's 8:20 AM, for those of you too lazy to scroll up.]  
  
  
JOSH: Sam, I'm going to need you to write the speech for tomorrow night.  
  
SAM: Tomorrow...?  
  
JOSH: The meeting with Mothers Opposed to the Occult. Tell me you didn't forget.  
  
SAM: Jed never told me to write anything for them.  
  
JOSH: Who?  
  
SAM: The President.  
  
JOSH: Who's the President? (gives a mesmorizing glance at Sam)  
  
SAM: You are Master...  
  
JOSH: Good! Now write the speech by tomorrow. Right now I need you to come with me.  
  
SAM: Why?  
  
JOSH: Just come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.  
  
SAM: What!?  
  
JOSH: Oh, come on, Sam. [winks]  
  
SAM: Aaah! No!  
  
JOSH: You know you want this. [does a "sexy" "dance"]  
  
SAM: I really don't.  
  
JOSH: Fine, be that way! Security!  
  
S.S.AGENT: [to Sam] You're gonna hafta come with me...  
  
SAM: Huh?  
  
AMY: [appearing out of nowhere to steal screentime...again] Why don't you just shoot him now?  
  
JOSH: Excuse me?  
  
AMY: You're gonna put him in a cell with one inept guard and he'll escape! You do this every time!  
  
[while they argue, sam sneaks away]  
  
SAM: Man, this is some fucked up shit right here...  
  
  
  
[INT. The Land of Toby. 8:35 AM]  
  
  
TOBY: The President has genital warts!  
  
CJ: Huh?  
  
TOBY: This is my role. Do not argue or I shall be forced to mumble.  
  
CJ: Oh.  
  
TOBY: So, anyway, POTUS doesn't have a plot.  
  
CJ: Yes. I've been looking into it, and I think the only answer is that somebody has stolen his plot.  
  
TOBY: How'd you come to that conclusion?  
  
CJ: I am CJ. Do not question me.  
  
TOBY: Sorry. Who would do such a thing!? [looks at cj]  
  
CJ: I didn't do it! Why don't you ask President Lyman if he has any ideas?  
  
TOBY: President Lyman? Son of a bitch!  
  
  
  
[INT. Oval Office. 8:45 AM]  
  
JOSH: I gotsta have sex tonight! It took me all day, but I narrowed it down to a list of ten VERY lucky finalists!  
  
DONNA: Am I one of those finalists? [sexy wink]  
  
JOSH: Why, yes muh lady.  
  
DONNA: Is Sam?  
  
[Josh blushes]  
  
AMY: [rushing in] You bastard! I'm gonna kill you! I can't believe you slept with CJ!  
  
DONNA: Josh! No!  
  
JOSH: What?  
  
DONNA: Haven't you learned anything? You're -so- gonna die now! You could be stabbed or beaten or flogged or maimed or given a terminal illness or...   
  
JOSH: You had me at 'die', alright?  
  
ED'N'LARRY: [wearing togas] Toga! Toga! Toga!  
  
JOSH: What's going on here?  
  
ED'N'LARRY: Beats me. FLuFFy's going nuts with these pop culture references.  
  
JOSH: Could you cut it out, please!?  
  
FLUFFY: Run! Run away, Ed'N'Larry, and NEVER return!!!!  
  
JOSH: ...guess not.  
  
[ed'n'larry run away]  
  
[FLuFFy laughs maniacally]  
  
  
  
  
[INT: El office de Toby. 9:00 AM]  
  
  
TOBY: Donna!  
  
DONNA: What!?  
  
TOBY: Does anything seem weird around here to you?  
  
DONNA: Uh...No?  
  
TOBY: Oh, for God's sake! Josh isn't the President!  
  
DONNA: Are you sure?  
  
TOBY: Positive.  
  
DONNA: [shouts upward] Sorkin!!!! Are you high again?  
  
TOBY: He's not in charge. This FLuFFy is.  
  
DONNA: So we kill her.  
  
FLUFFY: No, we don't! Select text, Delete.  
  
DONNA: So we give her a mango.  
  
FLUFFY: Huh? No...  
  
DONNA: So we make love to her!  
  
FLUFFY: Yeah, that's not gonna work either.  
  
DONNA: So we get Sam to make love to her.  
  
FLUFFY: That'll work! I mean, uh... *ahem* Right now I need you guys to stand around and wait for the meeting that's coming in a little bit.  
  
TOBY: Yes, maam. Donna, could you go get me some coffee?  
  
DONNA: Absolutely.  
  
TOBY: And remember... They can take our lives, but they'll never have our freedom!  
  
DONNA: okay.  
  
  
  
  
[INT. Sam's office. 9:15 AM]  
  
SAM: Uh... Miss. Summers, You can ask all you want, but I highly doubt that the U.S Government is going to set aside 20 Billion dollars for a Vampire Killing Agency.  
  
BUFFY: Slaying. I'm not a killer.  
  
SAM: Right. So, anyway, it was nice speaking to you.  
  
BUFFY: Are you a vampire?  
  
SAM: No, maam, I am not.  
  
BUFFY: Then why did you start sweating when I asked that question?  
  
SAM: It's August and I'm wearing a ...  
  
  
[Buffy lunges at him with a stake. She gets him in the arm.]  
  
  
SAM: Aaaaaah! Jesus Christ, woman! Securittttttyyyyyy!!!  
  
[S.S.Agent drags her away]  
  
SAM: That's it. Doooooooonnnnnaaaa!  
  
DONNA: I'm Josh's secretary.  
  
SAM: Yeah, well, I haven't seen mine in monthes.  
  
DONNA: If you say so...  
  
SAM: It's necessary because this Fluff is a newish viewer and has no idea if I have a secretary.  
  
DONNA: Well then how does she know other things that happened a long time ago?  
  
SAM: She's a total dork. Reads off the internet, she does.  
  
DONNA: So why doesn't she just read some cast list or something to see if you have a secretary?  
  
SAM: Just because.  
  
DONNA: Alright. What did you want?  
  
SAM: Get everyone together for a meeting now.  
  
DONNA: Right away.  
  
FLUFFY: Sam, what's your dream job?  
  
SAM: ...the hell?  
  
FLUFFY: Just answer!  
  
SAM: Maybe President, why?  
  
FLUFFY: Well, you'll have plenty of time to be President when you're living in a VAN down by the RIVER!  
  
SAM: What?  
  
FLUFFY: I dunno. Let's kick it up a notch!   
  
SAM: Huh? Are you high?  
  
FLUFFY: Can we have sex now?  
  
SAM: You just answered a question with a question.  
  
FLUFFY: Whatever, dude, you kissed a guy!  
  
SAM: Come again?  
  
FLUFFY: *sigh* Can we get to the gratuitous sex scene now?  
  
SAM: In a little bit.  
  
FLUFFY: Rat farts!  
  
  
  
[INT. Big shiny room with lots of old stuff. 9:30 AM]  
  
  
TOBY&SAM: I called for this meeting...  
  
SAM: I called for it!  
  
TOBY: No, I think I did.  
  
SAM: Shut up! The truth is out there!  
  
TOBY: Sam, I am your father.  
  
SAM: No you're not.  
  
TOBY: I know. Go ahead...  
  
SAM: No, I insist...  
  
TOBY: Alright. I have a theory that Josh stole POTUS's plot!  
  
  
[everyone gasps]  
  
  
JOSH: That's proposterous!  
  
TOBY: Is it?  
  
JOSH: Yeah, okay. I did it.  
  
TOBY: Well that was easy.  
  
FLUFFY: Yeah, I'm getting sick of typing. I wanna hurry up and get to the Sam sex.  
  
TOBY: Fair enough. Why'd you do it, Josh!?  
  
JOSH: Because I'm Josh.  
  
  
[everyone nods their head in agreement.]  
  
JOSH: [to POTUS] Sorry I stole your plot.  
  
POTUS: That's alright, but you're still going to die.  
  
CJ: Yep.  
  
JOSH: Shit.  
  
[Josh gets shot by some random person]  
  
CJ: Right on time.  
  
TOBY: Uh huh.  
  
SAM: Noooooooooooooooooo! I love you, Josh! I love youuuuuuu! I'll never let go!!!!!  
  
FLUFFY: Now, that was such an obvious reference. I'm almost ashamed of myself for putting it in. ALMOST. It's times like these... I'm glad I don't have a conscience.  
  
  
TOBY: [interrupting] Mr. President, am I going to be punished for talking about your genital warts?  
  
POTUS: I'm afraid so. You must chop down the largest tree in the forest with a herring.  
  
TOBY: A herring?  
  
POTUS: Yes.  
  
TOBY: Alright.  
  
POTUS: Sam, what did you want to say?  
  
SAM: Oh, right. I am tired of being the guy who gets the funny syphilis and has to talk to crazy people! As of this moment, I am through being everybody's butt-monkey!  
  
DONNA: You have syphilis!?  
  
SAM: Well I clearly have something wrong with me if that freak Josh gets more girlfriends than I do.  
  
DONNA: Good point, but I was kinda almost maybe interested in Josh. Does that make me a freak as well?  
  
SAM: Could you please focus!? Butt monkey...me...not any more...  
  
DONNA: Oh, right.  
  
CJ: So, what are you gonna do first?  
  
SAM: I'm gonna tell the President to go fuck himself.  
  
  
[a pause]  
  
  
SAM: Mr. President...go fuck yourself.  
  
POTUS: Hey!  
  
CJ: And then...  
  
SAM: And then I'll throw a rock at Toby.  
  
[he does so]  
  
TOBY: Ow!  
  
CJ: And then...  
  
SAM: I'll grab Donna's butt.  
  
[sam grabs her butt]  
  
DONNA: Oooh! Mamma like!  
  
CJ: And then...  
  
SAM: That's pretty much it.  
  
CJ: And then...  
  
SAM: No 'and then'  
  
CJ: And then...  
  
[Sam punches CJ]  
  
  
FLUFFY: Alright! Now it's time for the ritualistic sex!  
  
SAM: Hell yes!  
  
[they run off]  
  
  
CJ: Toby, shall we?  
  
TOBY: [incoherent mumbles]  
  
CJ: I'll take that as a yes.  
  
[they run off]  
  
  
  
POTUS: This is a genuine 1985 Trojan condom. It will not break!! [holds it up] ...It broke.  
  
DONNA: Whatever.  
  
[They run off as well]  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
~~~~  
  
  
Wanna show off your knowledge of the references? Send an e-mail on over to fluffy@dontmesswithtexas.com. Whoever gets all of them (which is kinda hard) will be given an honorable mention either on my site or in a future story. (or a cookie. Whichever's convenient) 


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